Is nowhere safe from the Holy Rollers?

UP until the summer of 2005, I believed the one place you’d be safe from evangelists would be a nudist beach, as devout Christians are almost as paranoid about the unclothed human form as Muslims – who regard nudity with undisguised horror.

Then came the shock. I was dozing on Brighton’s official nudist beach, along with a friend, when I became aware of a skinny, bearded figure standing over me.

Using one hand to shield my eyes from the sun, I looked up at the naked man and said: “Can I help you?”

The reply I got was “You, my friend, have been blessed by JEE-SUS!”

To which my companion promptly retorted: “Shame Jesus hasn’t blessed you to the same extent – now piss off!”

Looking a little sheepish, the naked Christer shot off, and found some other poor sap to harangue.

I wrote off this encounter as a one-off incident – but I now have a horrible feeling that there is more of this to come.

Why? Because I have today discovered the existence of the Christian Nudist Convocation – a body established in the United States to, among other things, “equip believers with training and knowledge so that they can effectively impact the naturist community with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” Which is long-winded jargon for “let’s convert the naked, godless heathen.”

And what happens in the US is very soon replicated in the UK – especially if it’s of the delusional variety.

But let us take solace from the fact that the Holy Joes and Janes who may start bothering us here won’t be quite as gross as those targeting nudists in the US, because, as one American comedian recently observed, Americans eat like the British drink – and boy, does it show!

So we may be spared scenes like this, reported by Nashville Scene’s Elizabeth Ulrich, about a CNC gathering at the Cherokee Lodge in Tennessee.

It’s apparent that if the CNCers lack anything, it’s body shame. They adjust themselves in plastic patio chairs that leave horizontal marks between their shoulder blades. Some are squished so tightly into the dirty seats that their flesh presses into the armrests and spills over the sides.

Kevin’s gone through the Bible and marked every reference to nakedness, give or take a few. He talks about how God spoke to Isaiah and told him to walk barefoot and unclothed. How Peter fished naked near the shores of Galilee. And how Jesus was nude when he washed the feet of his disciples. ‘But there’s nothing in there that says nudity is inherently wrong,’ he says. For much of the weekend, their dialogue centers on such nude biblical references.

One woman sits facing the congregation. She’s clothed only in a pair of thin cotton shorts with an elastic waistband hiked up almost to meet her large, heavy breasts. She takes hold of one breast, lifts it off her stomach and covers the flesh underneath with a thick swipe of deodorant. She moves slowly and deliberately. No one seems to notice.

Posting a comment on one blogger’s site, an observer of the phenomenon asked:

If I get wood while thinking about Jesus, am I pious, or just a bi-curious necrophile?

You can read the whole Nashville Scene report here