The words pot and kettle come to mind as a woman who claims the Virgin Mary has appeared in a pine tree at her home has been dismissed as a fraud.

By the Catholic Church.

Yes.

The Catholic Church.

You couldn’t make it up.

This apparition has been appearing for about 20 years at 67-year-old Patricia De Menezes’s home in Surbiton, Surrey, you see, and led to the formation of the much-followed Community of Divine Innocence. But Pope Ratzinger won’t ratify it, it seems. Thinks it’s sort of, well, unbelievable.

“Archbishop Angelo Amato,” says a story in the UK’s Daily Telegraph, referring to a Vatican big cheese, “said that he found Mrs De Menezes’s claims to be ‘exaggerated’ and ‘hysterical’.”

Chuckle.

The paper says he claims that “inappropriate words and phrases had been attributed to Jesus”.

Chuckle, chuckle.

And the esteemed cardinal goes on: “Given the supposed revelations which ground the spirituality of the Community of Divine Innocence are highly questionable, it follows that the community’s spirituality is flawed at its root.”

Chuckle. Oh, dear. Chortle, roar, guffaw!!!

The Telegraph story continues: “The rejection of her claims comes amid a crackdown by the Vatican on mystical seers around the world. Pope Benedict XVI [that's Ratzo] regards the rise of such charismatic visionaries as a risk to Church unity because they create sects at odds with the local bishops.”

But now we get to the funny bit. They seem to be arguing over the so-called “martyrdom” of embryos. Yes, it’s the abortion issue. Mrs De Menezes claims to have received mysterious messages about this martyrdom, but the Vatican – in the shape of the Inquisition, which is now called the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, otherwise known as the Big Cuddly Euphemism – says you can’t be a martyr until you have borne witness to Christ.

The paper says: “The archbishop added that the message that Mrs De Menezes claims to have received about the ‘martyrdom of all the innocent children deliberately killed before birth’ was highly suspect.” It goes on:

“A martyr is someone who bears witness to Christ,” he said.

“If the victims of abortion were to qualify for martyrdom it would then seem that all victims of any moral evil should be likewise deemed martyrs.”

Well, your average GCSE history student could come up with a few from the seventeenth century alone who died in public squares in the Catholic Church’s holy flames. Yeah, a few candidates there for those who were “victims of [a] moral evil” (at the sadistic hands of the gentle, learned cardinal’s own department), not to mention those who die of illnesses today that might be prevented by condom use.

Anyway, back to sleepy Surbiton. Mrs De Menezes, it would appear, saw visions of Mary and Jesus while cycling. That’s what too much exercise does for you. Especially in Surrey. So, she founded this organisation (the website is wonderfully yucky), but the Catholic Church in England rejected her claims in 2001. Hence the current hoo-hah over recognition, which she sought from Rome.

But Rome said no.

“The Archdiocese of Southwark, in which she lives, welcomed the ruling by the Holy See,” says the Telegraph, “indicating that it meant the sect had no backing from the Catholic Church.”

Well, she’ll just have to join another cult. Maybe she should buy a nice spiked garter (you know, a cilice, for the mortification of the flesh and the purification of the soul – in an Argos catalogue near you) and join Opus Dei. Far saner organisation. Nothing remotely barmy there.