Carry on up the convent

A convent in Italy is to be shut down after an unholy scrap among its last three inhabitants.

Relations among the sisters at Santa Clara in Bari became so bad that the convent’s mother superior, Sister Liliana, ended up having hospital treatment for facial scratches, according to the ever-helpful Ekklesia website.

Only Sister Liliana now remains. She’s said to have barricaded herself in and refuses to come out. She’s written to Pope Ratzinger. She does not want the convent to be closed down.

The Ekklesia story continues:

Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista say they were driven to distraction by the nasty habits [sic] of their Mother Superior, Sister Liliana.

They became so angry that during the summer they turned on her, allegedly scratching her face and throwing her to the ground.

The two nuns have now moved into a nearby convent, leaving Sister Liliana barricaded inside.

Despite the efforts of the Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri to reconcile the three sisters he has been forced to call on the Vatican for help.

The Freethinker can now reveal that a secret Vatican radio station, Santo Radio Scrattchia Yur Eyes Outtia Italia, recorded the last fight that brought this once tranquil and godly convent to such an ignominious pass. At enormous expense, The Freethinker has transcribed and translated the commentary from the side of the ring set up especially in the convent’s Chapel of the Holy Sepulchre, where we joined the action . . .

You join us now as Sister Liliana enters from the altar end, Sister Annamaria from the west end and Sister Gianbattista from the direction of the Chapel of Santa Pugilista di Scunthorpe. All three punch the air and snarl menacingly at each other, while calling on the Blessed Virgin Mary to come to their aid.

And the bell goes for Round One, and Sister Annamaria has gone straight in for an uppercut to the jaw of the unsuspecting Sister Liliana and, oh, she’s going for the wimple. She grabs Sister Liliana by the wimple and nuts her in the face. Will the referee, Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri, stop the fight? No, he’s signalling for the proceedings to . . . er, proceed.

The Wimple Whammer is a very controversial move and there’ve been calls for the Inter-Convent Biting and Scratching Board of Control to ban it.

Sister Gianbattista, though, has taken hold of Sister Annamaria now and she’s – oh, no, she’s tearing off her cassock to reveal the Barbarella catsuit underneath. What other surprises have these battling sisters got up their—

But the bell has gone for the end of Round One just as Sister Liliana was about to knee Sister Gianbattista in the crotch. Saved by the bell, you might say.

And, as Sister Gianbattista is sponged down by an ageing monk with a wooden leg, she spits several teeth into the water bucket.

As the three sisters count their body parts, I’ve just got time to tell you that Pope Benedict XVI has had a wide-screen plasma TV specially flown in, and he and several cardinals are thought to be watching the bout with interest.

“I haff got a lot of dosh invested in Sister Liliana,” the Pontiff told The Tablet. “If she loses it she vill haff to go to der Congregation of der Doctrine of der Faith und experience der thumbscrews.”

And the bell has gone for Round Two, and Sister Gianbattista is losing no time. She’s pulled the cloth off a big table just outside the ring – the altar, yes, the altar – and is throttling Sister Liliana with it. But Sister Liliana won’t be beaten. She’s pulling her cilice off her thigh and gouging at Sister Gianbattista’s eyes with the spikes.

And, oh, the referee Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri, has stopped the fight just as Sister Annamaria has picked up a smoking thurible and is swinging it around her head like a mace. But using a cilice is an illegal move. The referee is huddled in a corner with officials now as the three nuns growl, snarl and hiss at each other across the ring.

The thurible is still gyrating menacingly.

Pichierri is moving back into the ring now and— Oh, he’s declared a draw and—

And that’s where our commentary ended, when Sister Annamaria let go the thurible, sending it at high speed towards the commentator and his recording equipment.

Sister Gianbattista told The Freethinker after the bout: “I’m glad to be outta thatta stinkinga place, anyway. Liliana, she always leave her dirty knickers on the radiators and squeeza the toothpaste tube in the middle. And Sister Annamaria, she fart during mass.”

A Vatican spokesman said: “It’s a bugger.”

UPDATE: OK, fantasy over, but the first few paragraphs are true, as you can see from the Ekklesia story. But what really were Sister Liliana’s “nasty habits”? Put your suggestions in the comments. The winner will get a five-year supply of cilices and the second prize is a rainbow wimple with flashing lights on it. Or maybe just a thank-you.